I am a liar and a fraud

We have another webinar tomorrow. This is about the 4th time I think? And no matter how long I do this, I still feel like a liar and a fraud. Do I want to be this vulnerable?? Why not ;) I became a psych major after failing a biology class. Never failed before. So I picked a major that fit with what every told me..."You are so easy to talk to." Yeah, that is a great foundation for a career…phhbbbt

Then I went to seminary. Never really good at towing the line in modern Christian circles. I was always on the fringes and after switching seminaries for that reason, I just felt like I never fit. Here I was thinking I would become a pastoral counselor in a field where women aren’t totally embraced for that sort of thing. Down the road I gave up on working in a faith community, for now at least. 

I generally don't take a lot of risk because I want to avoid my idea of "failure." And here I sit asking therapists to take risks all the time. I took the first job I found before I even graduated out of fear of not finding anything else. I took it because the pay was good…not because it was my passion. I didn’t even consider doing something I loved and finding a way to make money doing it. I then moved to the county and climbed the ladder. But even in the county, I didn’t quite fit. I had a mouth and spoke up too much, letting things irk me all the time.

Let’s face it, I could have stayed and built my lovely pension, but I knew that it wasn’t for me. In fact, I was ready to give up all together. I didn’t feel effective or creative in my work. I was ready to go back to school and try the medical school route again. But I had given so many years already, I decided private practice would be my last ditch effort. 

And while I loved it, I had to have a coach tell me what to do. To be honest, my biggest demon is I don’t believe I am intelligent. You could tell me otherwise, but I have an arsenal of evidence to shoot back at you. So if you asked me about why my private practice was successful…it didn’t have anything to do with me. And now, I help other therapists get their shit together and build successful practices. Yes, my practice is good - not perfect.  I don't pay much attention to the marketing of it anymore, partly because my passion is split between practice and coaching. But still - I teach therapists how to market their practices!

Oh and do I need to mention how I don’t always implement what I preach. Yeah, I don’t. And my coaches tell me to do things, but my fear and belief that I am dumb gets in the way of implementing. I tell people what they should do and I myself struggle. I fear it could all fall apart, even though there is no evidence of that. 

I worry about my coaching clients. I worry they will give up. I worry that this field will die. A field that has given me freedom from my own anxiety and continues to help me slay the demons of fear and low self worth. Sometimes I don’t feel special or unique so, who am I to tell you about your uniqueness and value? Especially when sometimes I just wish I had a trust fund because I would rather play with my daughter then go and work my ass off convincing someone of their value. 

So yeah, I feel like a liar and a fraud sometimes. BUT I push through. I got out of my way. I invested in myself and I have seen my growth soar. I am taking risks now - even though it hard. I know I do have something to offer, even if my lizard brain says otherwise. I have a thriving practice, I have coaching clients that are killing it, I have a group of professionals that I call friends and best of all little by little I am changing the world. I rise above my fear and claim what I want in life. And I know that I don’t have to wait for perfection to move forward. Perfection is the moving forward.